Chapter Eight - The Lord 'splains the Meaning of His Crucifiction, and Plays with Some Critters

I got up a later than I needed to today, 8:30 AM. I kept slapping the snooze alarm, a common problem for me. Already running late, I stopped at the Sunoco station for gas, and a pack of cigarettes. "Jesus," I thought to myself, "I want to quit these damn things.

Stepping out of the station, a voice said, "Just quit then." I nearly jumped out of my skin, but new it was He. I turned around and found a young girl, about twelve looking at me. She spoke again, but her voice was the voice I had come to know. "Let me ride with you this morning" he voice from the young girl said.

"No way Hey Zues! I am not picking up an underage girl at a gas station and taking her for a ride. You are going to have to change your appearance. Don't you read the paper?" I sayeth unto Him.

"Oh yeah, I got ya there Teddy-boy. I'll be right back." and the Lord walked back into the gas station. A short Hispanic man emerged, with a pack of American Spirit cigarettes and a 16oz can of Colt 45 Malt Liquor.

"Yeah...that's MUCH better." I shook my head and we got into my SUV.

"Alright, alright..." Jesus said as he buckled himself in, and morphed into the Western European look that I was used to.

"What is up, my weary friend?" I queried the King of Kings.

"I just thought I pop in and see how the fight for righteousness has been going." He said unto me.

"Slowly Lord, S-L-O-W-L-Y... People think I am a kook when I try to tell them what is going on, and why they should prepare."

"Oh, the common problem for prophets. I got that ALL THE TIME." Jesus shook his head. "Keep it up though. You never know who you might wake up. Look, 95% of the people WANT to live in whatever reality they have created. There is no point in trying to convince people who have already made up their minds. Believe me, I know. Just find the ones who suspect that there is something else going on."

"Hey, ummmm....Jesus. You just used the word "prophet." From what I have read that label usually ends badly."

"Oh yeah. That is like the "kick me" piece of paper bullies stuck on your back in grade school. For me, it was a tad worse than "kick me." The Lord chuckled sadly.

"That raises something I have wanted to ask you about, Jesus. Why did you have to die on the cross? What is the point of that? I never got the 'He died for your sins' thing."

"Pfft. Organized churches sure have muddled that part of the story, huh?" said HE.

"It is pretty simple really. In the older days, the redemption of sin required a blood sacrifice. It is a common thing in ancient religions." Jesus explained. "My death was supposed to be the last blood sacrifice for the redemption of sin."

"Wow. You had to spill you blood and die because of a "rule" on how to redeem sin? That seems pretty brutal and archaic. Why was a blood sacrifice necessary in the first place? It seems pretty stupid that blood would redeem sin."

"Well, those were the times, and that was the hand I was delt for that reality. I knew when I came here, how it was going to end. Not that I enjoyed it. It was, however how people thought back then. It was what it was. it is what it is." Jesus shook his head, and opened the Colt 45 Malt Liquor. He continued, "People are born with darkness and light inside of them. Many say, 'There is good in everyone.' Well, there is evil in everyone too. Somewhere along the way, people blended darkness with light and came up with the idea that more darkness was required to redeem darkness. Logic would dictate that the way to redeem one self’s darkness, would be to do things that were good, things of light. People. Ugh. Not really beings of logic, are they?"

"No Lord, they are anything but. At least that is in the past."

"There is no past." HE was getting annoyed with me, "What you fail to realize is that time as you experience it, is an illusion. The concept of now, then, and the future are just that, concepts created so people had the ability to experience a sequential life. Without it, people would go mad experiencing all of life at once. Even "at once" is wrong. It is impossible to explain it to anyone who hasn't been dead."

I scratched my head, then it hit me. "Whoa there big fella! If I understand what you are saying, then you are still, right now, nailed to a cross in The Place of The Skulls. Everything that ever happened is still happening, and everything that will happen has already happened! Do I have that correct?"

"Yep, you got it Tedushu. Crazy, huh?" The Lord blew a smoke ring, and it floated through my car. "It is kind of like this smoke ring. It is all connected, one big circle. Forever moving and changing."

"It is forever moving and changing, yet is all connected? Does that mean that it is possible to change the past?" My head hurt.

"Sure. It isn't so much changing the past, as it is taking a different path from the past to the future. Every decision ever made had numerous possibilities. You are in this universe, the particular path, based on your past decisions." The Lord was getting all Steven Hawkingish on me, but with better diction.

"So, then Lord, are you on good terms with your Dad? He being the one who sent you here, in that backward time. That would be a toughy to get past for holidays and such." I was puzzled how he dealt with it, forgetting for a moment who HE really was.

"Well Teddy, we all have family stuff to work through. Mine isn't much different!" Jesus laughed and lit another smoke.

"Hey Jesus, those things are bad for you. It says so right on the side." I cautioned THE LORD. Jesus looked at me with a "Ted, you must be shitting me," look on his face.

"Where to now?" I asked Jesus.

"Let's head on over to the animal shelter. I'd like to check in on some of the other beings that my dad created."

"Alrighty. You're the boss!" I laughed at my own humor.

"Don't you forget it Teddy!" The LORD slapped my leg.

As we pulled into the Animal Shelter parking lot, we heard the yipping of dogs. We got out of my truck, and started walking towards the door. "Hey Jesus, I know you have special privileges, but they don't let you smoke in there."

"Fascists! They'll be 'putting down' half the animals in here by week's end. I don't think a little cigarette smoke is going to make a difference." The LORD flicked his butt onto the gravel anyway.

As we open the door to the shelter and stepped in, all the animals got quiet, and laid down in their cages. I felt the stares of the shelter workers as we walked in.

"We're just here to visit," sayeth the Lord, as we walked through the shelter.

As we walked, the cages sprang open and the animals followed Jesus as he walked. I kept glancing over my shoulder as the animals followed us. It didn't take long for one of the women to follow us too. "Sir, sir....you can't do that."

"Do what?" I asked. "It seems to me you have some faulty cage locks here." as we continued walking. We got to the rear door of the shelter, Jesus gave the bar on the door a hard push, and soon we were outside, along with every animal from the shelter.

"Sir! Sir! Bring those animals back in here!" The animal shelter lady was not amused by this turn of events.

By now, the Lord was rolling on the grass, laughing and playing with the animals. I had never seen him so happy. "For once, my friend seems genuinely joyful." I thought to myself.

The shelter people had run back inside, threatening to call the police. Which I had no doubt they were now doing. I heard the wailing of police sirens getting louder. "Oh, no...." I muttered. "Hey Jesus! Maybe we should cut playtime short, and get the hell out of here." I was now officially freaking out.

"Ted. You worry too much," the Lord spoke in a calming voice.

I turned as I heard the crunching of tires on the gravel parking lot, and saw four police cars empty out, with the peace officers' guns being drawn. "Fuck" is all I could muster.

The Son of Man stooped playing, and stood up, holding one puppy in his arms. The other animals lied down, except for one large Doberman who was between Jesus and the cops, growling. "Peter, stay..." The Lord said to the Doberman.

"Peter?" I thought to myself. Peter backed up, and was standing at the right hand of the Lord.

"Oh, this is just great!" I said out loud, and the cops turned towards me. "Is that all you assholes have to do? Draw your weapons on a man playing with animals no one else wanted?!"

I heard HE say, "Ted, settle down..." just as I felt the barbs and jolt from a 30,000 volt taser.

"Ouch" I think I said, as I fell backward, unable to move.

I heard HE say, "Alright, that is enough of THAT!" the next sound was bodies hitting the ground.

I started to laugh, as the effects of the taser wore off, and I watched The Son of The Father, ascending up into the sky, with Peter at his right hand, and all the other animals from the shelter with him, knowing the police officers were having the same view.

"Thanks for the adventure Ted." the voice from the sky said.

I felt myself starting to cry. It was a good day.

copyright 2009 Ted Sky All rights reserved.