Chapter Three - The Lord and the Power of Mexican Beer

Driving back from a late night business dinner in the rain, there He was again. Filthy, dressed in rags, carrying a garbage bag, with his thumb out. I pulled over, rolled down the passenger side window and said, "Get in Jesus."

"How did you know it was me?" asked the Son Of Man.

"It's always you, isn't it? Kind of like an agent in the Matrix."

"Good analogy Tedushu. It could be me every time, but don't get cocky. I noticed your bumper sticker."
"You like that?"

"It's cute, but you don't want to go around bragging. Someone may take you seriously."

"Aww, come on. Who is going to take "Jesus Loves You, but I'm His Favorite" seriously?

"Don't you watch the news Shemp? People take everything like that way too seriously."

We drove on for a few miles in the quiet of the night, windows down, with only the music of the engine of my Porsche, and me banging through the gears. Jesus decided it would be fun to hang his head out the window, like a dog, and let the wind rip through his hair. "Hey! That's dangerous, you better get your head back in here, my sweet Lord."

"Don't be a chicken-feces Ted. I need to blow some of the prayers and worshipping out of my head."

"I though you liked being worshipped."

The King of Kings when off on a rant from there, "Do I look like I need worshipping? Do you really think The Son of Man needs to be worshipped? That shit drives me crazy. People should worship God in all his forms. Worship the gift of this creation. This universe. Worshiping me, the human form misses the point. I want people to follow me, my teachings, but worshipping me specifically cuts out a lot of the rest." He continued, "and the praying, don't get me started on that one! Jocks praying for touchdowns. Ugh. I got bigger issues to resolve.." Then he put his head out the window again.

"Just keep an eye out for," before I could finish my sentence, a loud, sickening THWHACK! filled the air. "…mailboxes." I cringed, and the J-man pulled himself back into the car.

Then I threw up.

Now pulled to the side of the road, I am puking the contents of my dinner out onto the gravel. "This tasted a lot better going the other way." I said between heaves.

"Rat las glape," slurrith the Lord. "Mife head's rinally flear!"

"I'm really happy for you, my messianic friend, but could you do something about…."
I puked again. "You look like John Merrick with your head all mashed up like that."

"Oh, sorry," as he began to morph back into his normal Western European look. "Joseph Merrick."

"What?" I asked.

"His name was Joseph Merrick. People should know that. Sometimes things that look horribly wrong are in fact perfect."

"You are saying The Elephant Man was perfect? Man, I am glad I'm not perfect!"

"Joseph Merrick was a perfect soul, oh ye of great shallowness. Outward appearances are very deceiving. Ted Bundy was handsome by societal standards. Who would you rather have your daughter date, Joseph Merrick or Ted Bundy? There are many souls who were cruel to Mr. Merrick, who are now wishing they weren't."

"Let's talk about people like Ted Bundy, and why you let them exist." I felt old hurts and angers coming up inside me.

"Not now, it's my night off." Jesus looked up at the night sky. I felt like a not-so-good friend to my friend.

The Lord, looked back at me, smiled, slapped my me on my back and said, "Let's do that again. The mail box thing."

Knowing arguing was pointless, we got back in the car. "Do you mind if I get cleaned up first J-man? And I think we are going to need some road pops."

"Let's get some pizza too! I love a good pizza." I heard the Lord's stomach growl.

As it would have it, around the corner was a 24 Hour Gas Station, with a big neon sign flashing, "Hot Pizza – Cold Beer." The Lord just looked at me and smiled. I shook my head.
I was cleaning up in the restroom, which was surprisingly spotless, and Jesus was ordering pizza and browsing the beer cooler. He found the Coronas, of course.

"Excuse me Miss, do you have any limes?" askith the Lord.

"Well isn't that the funniest thing! We just had a dozen limes show up in the delivery this morning. I was going to send them back, but the driver didn't know where they came from."

"We'll take them all!" The Lord was positively gleeful.

We walked out with three cases of Corona, two pizzas, and a dozen limes. "Ha! How are you going to cut up the limes?" I thought I had Joshua on that one.

"Swiss Army Knife, of course," as he pulled it out of his pocket. "It also has a bottle opener."

We were half way through the second case of beer, finishing off the pizza, and had taken out about eleven mail boxes, when I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror. "Oh, man…" I said out loud.

"No worries mate. It will be fine."

"Hey, J.C., I have put down nine beers, and you have been smashing mailboxes with your head! I'd day my concern is warranted." The peace officer stroller up to the driver's side window. I hit the button and the window went down. "What are you boys doing out here?" asked the cop, as he shined his flashlight into my red sports car strewn with beer bottles, pizza boxes and the remains of limes.

"Umm…just driving around and…" I noticed I was actually sober, and had been the entire time.

Then a voice piped up. "These aren't the people you are looking for…." I nearly jump out of my skin, as the Son-of-Man, did his all-out Obiwan Kanobe impression.

The officer shouted back to his partner, still in the car, "These aren't the people we are looking for."

The other officer got out of the car, "What the hell you talking about Bill? We weren't looking for anyone!" He walked up to the passenger door, then bolted back and fell into a ditch when he saw Jesus. Hissing. No shit. The cop was hissing.

"Drive Ted."

"What?"

"Just drive!"

I threw the car in first, popped the clutch and smashed the gas pedal to floor, throwing gravel all over the two peace officers. We were flying down the road, I was banging through the gears, and I could hear the sirens of the police car coming on in the darkness behind us. "Would you mind telling me just what the heck happened back there?"

"What do you think that was back there, hissing? You're smart, figure it out." He said with more than a little sarcasm.

"That was Satan?!?!"

"No, not Satan, doofus, one of his minions." Jesus looked back over his shoulder. We could both see the lights now. "They don't know I am back here. In case you haven't noticed, me being here usually winds up with a not so happy ending. You know, for me." Jesus started tossing the empty beer bottles out of the car. They smashed onto the police car and vanished into nothing.

"Well Theo, I better get out of here." Jesus grabbed a few Coronas and limes, and started to ascend right through the top of the car.

I grabbed his leg and yelled, "Hey! What about the minion cop?"

"Don't worry…" The Lord pledged.

With that the Lord appeared behind my car. Standing there, ready to challenge demon-cop.
I nailed the brakes. My car came to a sliding halt on the road. I got out, just as demon cop was getting out of his car. He no longer looked like a cop. He had the whole demon from hell look going. Dark, leathery skin. Red eyes. A mouth with rows of teeth like a shark, and six finger clawed hands.
Jesus popped the top on a Corona, stuffed in a lime slice, shook it up and threw it straight into the demons chest. The demon shrieked in pain. Jesus made another Coronotov cocktail, and threw it dead center at the demons chest again. The demon exploded into a ball of blue fire and was sucked right through the pavement, back into Hell. (I assume.)

All that was left was some bubbling asphalt, and a crispy lime rind.

The Lord looked at me and said, "It's the lime that does it. There is a general lack of citrus in Hell. They can't handle the acid. It usually takes only one. That was one mean-ass demon."

Then the Lord ascended with the rest of the beer and pizza.

"See ya soon buddy."

And he was gone.

Copyright 2007 Ted Sky All rights reserved.

Chapter Two - The Lord Shows Up, and Bends My Ear About the War

There I was, driving again, listening and singing along to the Broadway Classic, "Jesus Christ, Superstar…."

*poof* "Hey Ted."

I nearly ran off the road and crashed my truck.

"Man, I wish you wouldn't do that Jesus!" I said to the King of Kings.

"It seemed like a great entrance to me," he replied.

"Well, I could have wrecked."

"Not with Jesus as your copilot. Plus, had you crashed and died, I would have raised you from the dead."

"Well, if you raise me from the dead, do it quick. I don't want to stink the place up like Lazarus did."

"Yeah, he was a little ripe there. He had D.G.B.O."

"D.G.B.O.?" I asked.

"'Dead Guy Body Odor.' Ha! You walked right into that one Theodore."

"Oh, you're a funny one. As messiahs go."

"Yep, I like to think so!"

We drove along quietly, as the Lord was thumbing through my iPod.

"Hey Ted, do you have any beer, and the earphones for this thing?"

I dug in my shirt pocket, and handed them to him. "The cooler is behind the seat."

"Pabst?!? That's all you have?" sayith the Lord.

"Hey, I didn't know I was having company! What kind or beer do you like?"

"Corona. I like that slice of lime people put in the bottle."

"Oh, great. I have to have Coronas in the cooler, and limes, and a knife to slice them up with, just in case you decide to pop in?" asked I, in the most respectful way, of course.

"It's either that, or trying to find my mom on a piece of toast!" roared the messiah, slapping my shoulder.

As we drove, Jesus drank his Pabst, closed his eyes and was humming along to Sarah McLachlan's "Angel."

"Wow, what a voice...beautiful" I swear I saw tears in his eyes.

"What's going on with you, my sacred friend?" I asked.

He sighed, "The war in Iraq is bugging me."

"It's bugging a lot of people, Jesus"

"It's not so much the slaughter going on, in the name of The One. Hell, I am almost used to that. It's where it is taking you."

"What do you mean" I inquired.

"The song, 'America The Beautiful,' it's true, you know. This nation has been blessed, but the people in power have forgotten that."

"You mean George Bush?" I asked.

"Oh, not just him, the lot of them. Democrats, Republicans, whatever name you want to give them. They are no better than the Romans, or the Pharisees. You need to be very watchful. Governments are evil at their core. It's their nature. Think about it. You had two planes crash into skyscrapers, 2752 people died. They're safe now. But over 3000 more of your citizens have died avenging their deaths and over 600,000 innocent people have died in Iraq. You add that to what your government is doing to its own citizens, and it disturbs me. And I have seen a lot."

"Where you are headed is to a theocratic police state where every one of your movements are watched and everything you say is listened too. All in the name of protecting you. Now that is funny! Wake up! A free society is something very new in the history of mankind. Don't piss it away."

"Whoa, there big fella!" I cautioned The Lord. "Don't you think you are getting a little carried away?"

"Am I? Read your history McFly. It's all happened before."

"Oh, well," he sighed. "There isn't much I will do about it. I'm getting tired of all of it. Pull over; I have to take a leak." commanded He.

"You have to take a leak? I didn't think….."

"Hey, you bought the cheap beer!"

With that, I pulled over. Jesus stepped out of my car, looked over his shoulder, said, "See ya buddy," and was gone.

I shook my head, and decided to go get breakfast at Denny's, to see if I could find his mom.

Copyright 2007 Ted Sky All rights reserved.